One of my favorite genres of movies to actually go to the theatre and view is, without hesitation, horror movies!!! Nothing is better than going to see a good (or often horrible and cheesy) scary movie with a young lady. I mean either way you win as a guy accompanied by a lady. She’s either the type of lady like me who laughs at scary movies, and we’ll have a great time together, or she’ll be scared, covering her eyes close to your shoulder…still winning. One thing about scary movies that does tend to add to the fun of critiquing them is the stupidity of the situations themselves. The fact that most scary movies have plots and stories about white people not only doesn’t surprise nor offend me, it usually creates one of two questions in the mind of cautious young black man like myself: Why don’t white people ever leave the house?? & White people: Why the hell is yall’s asses even out there??? I’ve determined that most scary movies starring white folks tend to fall in one of these 2 categories, so let’s examine shall we? Oh, and lemme just go head and tell you, this post is filled with spoilers if you haven’t seen some of these movies so…yeah, read it anyway.
Poltergeist: Classic movie, one of my favorites. So this white family moves into this really nice house for a great price. It starts off with the little girl having an imaginary friend. Eventually these people have chairs moving and stacking themselves, hallucinations, trees trying to grab the boy, then the baby girl is up here talking to static on the TV before eventually getting sucked in. They even told the dad the house was on an ancient Indian burial ground; why isn’t that enough to just leave right then??? Black people are baffled already. So then once the momma goes into the portal to get the child and they both come out covered in demon placenta, THEY SLEEP THERE THE NEXT DAY!! What did y’all think was gonna happen!?! I mean, I’m pretty sure grandma wouldn’t mind you settling in for a few days so you could at least talk to your Realtor. WHITE PEOPLE…WHY DON’T Y’ALL EVER JUST LEAVE THE HOUSE!?!?!
The Blair Witch Project: Ok lemme get this straight, these 3 white kids are gonna go out into the woods and look for this witch which was rumored to kill children? Now hypothetically, if they find the witch, they’re gonna do what, sit her down and have a Katy Couric interview? I mean seriously, how was this experiment supposed to work out? They finding little witch symbols strung up around there camp area. They hearing stuff outside the tents. The Bama done threw the map away, one of them goes missing and they can hear him screaming in the distance. You wake up in the morning and find some of his skin and teeth. Then she loses the other one, she gets scared and has snot hanging out her nose crying. She goes to a house only to find her friend facing a wall while she gets her head split wide open. SMH WHITE PEOPLE…WHY ARE Y’ALL EVEN OUT THERE!?!?
The Paranormal Activity Series: This series of movies obviously had a white cast, because there’s clearly no way you could’ve had three of these damn movies with black people. This grainy, and shaky handheld camera movie was hug, and to this day, most black people are baffled as to why. First of all, I don’t give a damn how long we had been in that damn relationship, if I was Nima the second I find out my girlfriend is being haunted by demon, we don’t go together no damn more. Ta hell wit that, I feel like that’s a deal-breaker, especially if both of our names are on the lease or mortgage. Most black guys I know only need to see the girl get drug down the hall one time before they’re out, and we damn sure ain’t bout to bring a damn ouiji board!! Hell why do y’all think there were no priests “available” to talk to them? Watch the reaction of the priest they called in the first movie when he steps into the house in the first movie, he knew what was up. And that poor little Hispanic cleaning lady in the second movie was the only one who seemed to have ANY damn sense. I saw all three of these movies, I still have yet to understand why anyone is dating the women of this family.
The Nightmare on Elm Street series: You got kids all up and down the neighborhood showing up at school talking about the same person in their dreams, coming to school with blade scratches and traumatized from seeing the same crispity-crunchety man in a sweater in a nightmare. People mysteriously dying all around the neighborhood, yet somehow still, ain’t nobody went to church, ain’t no priests blessing the street, ain’t nobody sprankled no holy water nothing, but y’all still stay. How did this franchise end up with this many movies??? Black people would’ve been left that neighborhood after the whole murder of the child molesting janitor. To this day I still don’t understand why nobody ever went on trial for that whole thing. WHITE PEOPLE…WHY DON’T Y’ALL EVER JUST LEAVE THE HOUSE!?!? OR THE NEIGHBORHOOD?!?!?!
The Grudge: So this white family bought this nice little Japanese house in Tokyo. But then stuff keeps happening to them. You got people killing themselves, you feeling hands on you while you’re in the shower, you see little mysterious gray Asian children crawling down the steps at night. What more do you need to have happen!?! This little Japanese girl clearly doesn’t want y’all there. Then in the Grudge 2, these little high school girls, gonna go in the house in the same closet. Now everybody gotta get killed, cause y’all stupid!?! A black family clearly would’ve only had to see the little Asain child “meow” at them one time before they call the real estate agent. WHITE PEOPLE…WHY DON’T Y’ALL EVER JUST LEAVE THE HOUSE!?!?
The Hills Have Eyes: So this white family goes out on vacation with their trailer, the wheels on the car get damage(shocker), and they have to set up in the middle of nowhere in the mountains. For what!?! You don’t need to go to the beach or whatever that badly. They start hearin’ stuff at night, stuff gets stolen. Crazy psycho mutants are roaming around in the mountains. They kill the family dog, because that what weird hillbilly mutants do. Then what happens? People start getting stabbed and impaled, the daddy gets crucified and burned alive. One of the girls gets raped and shot, the baby gets stolen by crazy hillbillies. What did y’all really think was gonna happen out there?! WHITE PEOPLE…WHY ARE Y’ALL EVEN OUT THERE!?!?
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: This group of white kids driving through rural Texas pick up some desheveled lookin girl off the road. See, right there, that ain’t got nothing to do with you, you need to keep on driving. Now the girl done got in the back seat and blew her head off in the car, messing up all your uphostery. You get pulled over by some redneck sheriff(surprise), and now you gotta go to some plantation looking house. Next thing you know, the whole family is crazy they drugging people, friends getting chopped and chainsawed up. Dude with the leatherface is puttin your friends on meat hooks and got them hanging up in a a freezer like a deli. Listen, spoiler alert, but “Wrong Turn” is basically the same movie set in West Virginia. Does anything good ever come from going to rural Texas? Isn’t that where Dick Cheney shot that guy in the face? Who goes to Mexico by driving through there? Nothing good is gonna happen driving through rural Texas…it never does. I mean seriously has ANYTHING positive for black people ever come out of rural Texas?????
…I rest my case…moving along though
The Friday The 13th Series: Why do y’all keep going to Camp Crystal Lake!?!? Who keeps sending out pamplets from there!?! Why are there so many of these movies!?! Do they grow weed out there or something? I mean seriously, who is doing the advertising for this camp? Do y’all not know what’s going on? Don’t nobody ever return from camp there, yet y’all keep going out there! And then y’all clearly hear the “ch-ch-ch-ch ka-ka-ka-ka”, and y’all ain’t left yet!?! To this day, you can’t get a black kid born in the 80’s or 90’s to go to camp unless it’s for basketball. WHITE PEOPLE…WHY ARE Y’ALL EVEN OUT THERE!?!?!
The Descent: So these four white women decide to go spelunking (Which is deep cavern exploration cause I know black people have no idea what that is because we don’t do it). And one of them decides that she gonna take them to this uncharted cavern. They get down there, they’re crawling through all this little borrows and craneys. Next thing u know their getting attacked and killed by these little demonic creatures that live down there(surprise). One of them breaks their leg and they can’t figure out how to get out. I mean seriously, why do white people go on vacations in places like this? See this is why u never see black people in movies like this, because it’s hard to shoot a horror movie in Myrtle Beach, Vegas, or Miami. WHITE PEOPLE…WHY ARE Y’ALL EVEN OUT THERE!?!?
The Ruins: So this group white kids is on vacation or something out in the jungles of South America, and as they’re driving they come up on this Mayan temple looking pyramid structure (see, right there). They decide to go climb up the structure, one of their people falls into a cavern. He sees some leaves that are apparently humming, then touches one. By the time he climbs up he has plants growing out of his veins. They try to go back down, and they get surrounded by natives who shoot one of the guys in the heart and force them to go back up there with the killer leaves. Then they end up having to cut roots out of one of the girls’ skin and she goes insane. I mean serously, how do you not see this happening? Why are u even in an area like this without a tour guide? Snoop goes to South America with Pharrell and they end up partying with a bunch of Brazilian dime pieces, white kids go to SouthAmerica, and they end up getting killed by humming plants. Anybody notice a pattern here? WHITE PEOPLE…WHY ARE Y’ALL EVEN OUT THERE!?!?
So in conclusion, I still don’t understand how Hollywood keeps managing to make these movies with these ridiculous ass plots…but quite frankly I’m entertained, so keep in going…